Tuesday, March 2

I think I will use this space to solve all of the world's problems. Because nobody else has the guts to do it!

1. Problem: SUVS are stinky, loud, and dangerous. Solution: remove tax credit. Begin massive meme infusion showing smart sexy people in smaller hybrids making fun of people in SUVs. Somehow equate truck driving with erectile dysfunction.

2. Problem: many of the people I work with lack basic social skills, and are frighteningly ambitious. Solution: send them spoofed email from assorted academic vice presidents that reads, "I'm watching you, and your social skills really, really suck."

3. Problem: Americans (including myself) are fat and lazy. Solution: hybrid automobiles that allow you to stand up and run in place to make them move. If you want to pass someone, you have to start running. Otherwise they cruise at 49 mph, or whatever the safest minimum speed limit is. Perhaps a good winter bicycle would fulfill this function.

4. Problem: a coworker overheard me saying something obnoxious and thinks I was talking about them (I wasn't). Solution: fill this person's office with polyurethane foam. From floor to ceiling.

5. Problem: cars pollute too much. Solution: massive tax credits for hybrids and hydrogen vehicles. Increased fuel taxes for single passenger/non-commercial vehicles. Take the pentagon budget and use it to build a massive network of light rail. Screw going to mars--let's make the Earth habitable. Note: I commute 25 miles to work each way, so I basically suck. Hybrids get their own lane. Always. And EMP guns that will destroy the electronics of any vehicle that gets in their way.


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